I have no spoon.

Now I am sure you all are saying, so what?  Well...I am at work, an I am hungry, and I work another 2 and a half hours...and I brought easymac for dinner.  But I have no spoon.  I cannot eat.

*pouts*
LS

Tickets have been sold, thanks.

I have found myself with a couple extra photo ops for Chicago, so ebay here they come.  I'm linking this all over, so people have a chance to get 'em.

Jensen ticket auction

J2 (Jared and Jensen) ticket auction

Lady Starhawk

So I was pretty sure I understood a concept from class. I knew what it was and I understood it. I didn’t think it was that hard.

But when we started going over it in class on Thursday, it seems that most of the class didn’t get the concept. So I start to panic. I seem to be the only person in the room who’s getting it…am I wrong? Do I not have it? Am I underthinking it?

All these doubts started running around in my head, where I was pretty confident before.

I sit back in the class and I start freaking out just a little bit. The rest of the class are freaking out about things. Getting worried, and asking if some of the things we’re doing now in class is something that we would do in the real world setting. When the teacher specifically said that it’s not.

So during a little break she gave us I had to try and calm down the class. Explain to them that we are being taught how to think, being taught what we need to think about, and once the sheets that we’re filling out become second nature, we can move on to what we really have to document in real life.

I compared it to learning to drive. When you start to learn how to drive you have to think about every step in starting the car. But after you know what you’re doing, you don’t even think about it any longer. The work that we’re doing right now in class is being used to get us to think about things in a specific way. We’re being programmed, trained, molded, it’s not as hard as they think.

I was full of frustration and doubt on Thursday. I get it. I see the big picture. I know what’s being asked of us and why. I just don’t know why the teacher isn’t explaining it better.

And if the rest of the class doesn’t get it…do I really get it? I am not so sure now. *headesk*

LS
I get migraines from stress…guess who’s been trying to kick one since yesterday afternoon? *sigh*

Nobody should be surprised...since I'm from Minnesota and all :p.

You Speak General American English!

70% General American English 20% Upper Midwestern 5% Midwestern 5% Yankee 0% Dixie

So I have been quiet lately and people are starting to talk. Guess I should give y’all an update. WARNING: I am wordy and it's been a while since I've done this. I don't expect everybody to want to know what's going on with me, so if you don't really want to know, feel free to skip this :).

( LOOOONG post click here :). )

*hugs to all*

Heather

So I sat down Friday night, ready to run our weekly RPG game. We're playing Serenity and the crew landed themselves in an Alliance prison. They were in the middle of an escape last week when we had to stop for the night. We had out the dice, and the battlemat, when someone mentioned they had seen the Star Trek movie again that week. I mentioned I still hadn't had a chance to see it. They all looked at each other and said "let's go."

So we went.

Now I am what you might call a casual Star Trek fan. I have seen a bunch of episodes of all of the series' and all but the last couple of movies. I liked Next Generation, and I watch the Original Series if it's on, but the rest of them were *meh* to me. So I know what's what enough to get by and enjoy myself.

Gotta say...LOVED IT!!!!

Spoilers Ahead, if you haven't seen it yet :p.
( My Review Behind the Cut )

Laters,
Lady Starhawk

So my father talked me into letting him "upgrade" me to a bigger harddrive. He got a newer computer, so it kind of made sense. Except I had JUST gotten all the kinks out of it since I had some virus issues and got the new scanner program in and running. Things were great. Granted, I was out of space on the 40Gb drive, but I could just go in clean it out, no big deal.

Well Dad kind of pushed and I let myself be swayed. He copied my harddrive onto the bigger drive (to be called 160 from now on). THEN discovered that his "old" drive was a different kind than my "old" drive. his being the "newer" kind that is used, and mine being the "old" one (my computer is from 2005). So it wouldn't plug in.

No big deal, just put the old drive back in. No harm, no foul...except this is MY life we're talking about. So he puts the old drive in and it starts asking for the boot disc. Ok, let's do the math, shall we? The computer is almost 4 years old. I have no idea where the boot disc is. I tore my bedroom and the craft room apart looking for it, and all I am left with is a broken computer and a mess.

Ok, well, he has a 120Gb harddrive from a computer he bought from work that had been replaced with a new one, and the drive fit into the slot. It had the businessey version of XP, but hey, it worked. Except it wouldn't recognize that there even was a modem in the computer. He put my 40 into the spot formerly held by the 120.

Ok, dad has a copy of XP professional, key code and all. No worries, I'll install a clean copy of XP, and yoink the drivers from Gateway (the brand of the computer). So I formatted and reinstalled XP. Cool. Done.

I have my old OLD computer (2000) which I am on now, set up as a backup. It's slow as crap, but it works. I download the drivers and copy them over to my baby.

However, the new HD and the new copy of XP refuses to even acknowqledge that there IS a modem in there, let alone allow me to install drivers.

So 2 hours of work, and I still don't have my baby working at ALL. I am still going to have to buy a boot disc from Gateway for 20 bucks and wait a week while they send it to me.

Plus sides:
I have a copy of the drive, so I didn't loose any DATA.
I can still get on the internet with my old OLD computer.

So it's not all bad, but I am so frustrated right now I just want to cry. I was going to go to the library and download stuff using the wireless internet, but since i have no computer, that's not an option.

If you read this far, congratulations. I know that other people have REAL problems in the world...but *headesk* I'm upset damnitt. This has actually made me cry more than once...including right now :(.

Just had to vent,
Lady Starhawk

I saw it Saturday morning. I really enjoyed it. I knew nothing about the story except what I saw in a few trailers.

( Spoilery review )

Here's the account of me and my picture. I was super lucky. It was PERFECT.

Ali convinced me a few months ago to use my crochetting hobby to make the boys gifts for the convention. So I got some camouflage yarn and made a hat and a scarf for each of them. A darker one for Jared, and one with more white for Jensen. Jared's scarf ended up much longer than Jensen's, but I think it's for the best, as Jared's taller ;). I also left a note that told them they can trade if they want.

So I got in the line and I was freaking out. As we went into the room the bodyguard took my purse, but had me take my gifts. I asked the woman RIGHT THERE taking the tickets what I should do with them (expecting to put them on a table) and she said, “you can present your gifts, but keep it short”.

Then BAM there they were. I walked up and handed them to them, “Here these are for you.” They took them, both said thank you, and Jared asked “What are they?” “Hats and scarves.” They both smiled, “I know it gets cold in Minnesota, so I figured it probably gets cold in Vancouver.” They placed them somewhere, I have no idea where, I was in a bit of a daze, and Jensen looked straight at me and asked, eyebrows raised and mouth agape, “You made these?” (Jensen was less than a foot from me, he bent over slightly and made sure to catch my eye, as I was looking at the floor, and looking straight into my eyes) I nodded, probably blushed under my makeup and nodded, “Yup.” Jared said “it does get pretty cold up there” Jensen said “Not as cold as where you are though.” We all laughed a bit, Jensen put out his arm to guide me to the right spot and as we were arranging for the photo Jensen asked “How long did it take you?” I shrugged and answered, “A few weeks” (I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had just finished his 20 minutes before) as Jared put his hand on my shoulder and Jensen came up close. I put my hands near their backs (I didn’t touch, I wasn’t sure if that was okay with them, or me…I’m not a touchy person) and looked at Chris (the photographer) He made some adjustments to the camera and took the photo, I thanked them, and stepped away. As I walked away Jared said “We will definitely wear them.”

I knew I had been warned to keep it short, but I wasn’t the one prolonging it. :p

Jensen was right in front of me, and made eye contact after I handed over the gift. And DAYM those eyes…*swoon* . Now I know he’s tall. I have several friends in the 6’ range, but he seemed taller than I thought he would be. Jared was farther away from me so he didn’t really register for me. He was also quieter, so I didn’t really make eye contact. But a friend of mine is 6’10” so Jared doesn’t really register “tall”. (I speak to Bill’s sternum.)

But Jensen was the more chatty for my photo, which I guess is unusual. Jared’s usually more talkative and Jensen’s quiet. I could tell Jensen was genuinely impressed that I had hand made them, and I think it shows in the picture. I got an amazing smile from him, and Jared was more alive in mine than some of the others I saw. Kam got a smirk, Liz got a toothless smile, but the smile Jensen had in mine is totally genuine. It was AWESOME!!

I was flying high for hours after that….I think I still am.

*swoon*

So to give you an idea of their height, I am not a short woman. I’m 5’8”, and I am not slouching.

Heather
Aka
Lady Starhawk

(I think mittens to match the scarves and hats is on the list for next year.)

So I went for my second opinion today. It was a totally different experience than Friday, although the same outcome.

I found out that my copay is significantly less for seeing a PA than a specialist MD. So I need to figure out how to get my $$ back from overpaying at the other clinic *headesk*.

The nurse recognized my Trilok right away, and understood the couple of issues I had with it. She did say it was one of the best, and I agreed with her, because it really does “wick” away moisture like it should (it ends up wet on the outside). But as soon as I take off my shoe it slides down and does nothing for support, and there’s no compression across the injury site. But when I wear a shoe with it, the support is awesome, It’s comfortable, and my foot doesn’t get all hot and sweaty.

The nurse was chatty, and very pleasant in a genuine way.

So the PA comes in, and he’s a very personable gentleman. I tell him that I am here for a second opinion because of a lack of professionalism from the previous PA. He talked to me about the injury and then did an exam. He thought that the pain I was having right around the bone was unusual, so he ordered more x-rays. They did those right across the hall, and I was right back in the room. They showed up on the computer a few minutes later. (Technology astounds me sometimes.)

I have a small bone spur on the inside of my foot (but it’s just due to normal wear and tear). But other than that there’s no problem with the bones where the pain is.

He basically told me that it should “quiet down” in the next month or two, but if I continue to so the pt exercises it should heal. If it does anything “funny” or if things don’t improve (or get worse) I should come back in to see him. But he thinks it’s just going to be a matter of time.

He was very professional, polite, and definitely cared. He left to go order the x-rays and I heard him speaking to someone on the phone about me (he was right outside the door). I asked the nurse and he said it was the physician he works under (color me shocked).

So he basically told me the same thing as the other gentleman. But I don’t feel slighted, brushed off, or ignored. So mission accomplished. I know now that I don’t need surgery, and that, eventually, the injury will heal with just the pt exercises and time. And I feel like I can trust what I have been told.

So good news, and bad. But this time, I think I can live with it.

LS

And it's still swollen and painful.

I went to physical therapy on Wednesday, and we both kind of decided that we had done about all we could do. My ankle has gained strength in all but one direction (and I have worked each "direction" equally, so that's a little frustrating) and 2 weeks ago we started working on other muscles. Quads, hips, calves, etc. were all added to the mix.

We talked about braces, and what the future holds there. She had one that she wanted to show me, but it didn't fit. So that was annoying, but I think I can find something better elsewhere. Basically she told me to keep working on the exercises she had given me and find a brace I like. She was going to add a note in for the Orthopedic doctor (who I was going to see Friday) and keep my file open for 3-4 weeks in case he wanted me to come back.

I left feeling pretty good about that (since my copay for pt was 50 bucks a shot, it was nice that I was done, but I was frustrated that I had done everything she asked of me, and I was still having lots of trouble).

So I saw the Orthopedic guy today (Friday) and let me tell you, I am frustrated as all heck right now.

Now last time I went, he gave me this complicated brace, and told me to go to the physical therapist 3-4 times a week to make sure I do the exercises. (The therapist thought that was outrageous, and had me come in every 2 weeks.) He did an x ray, and moved around the joint, and said it was going to take time, but if I did the exercises every day it would improve. (Which didn't happen.)

So today I go back in, hoping that he would do some diagnostic tests to determine what's really going on in there. Man, was I wrong.

He walks in and he's still talking to someone in the hall. He comes in and sits down and asks how I am doing with the boot. (In my brain I'm like 'boot?? You gave me a brace'.) He must have seen my confusion, because he then asks, "lace-up?" I put out my foot and show him the brace he had given me. He asked me how well the trilok (the brace I had) was working out, and I told him it was a tiny bit better. He seemed shocked. Absolutely shocked that I was still having trouble even after wearing this brace. (That was my first indication that this wasn't going to go well. I should have cut and run right there.)

So he had me take off my shoe, sock, and brace, and started moving and touching the joint. Now, about once a day I get this NASTY snap and feel and hear something move, but since he couldn't replicate it, he dismissed it. There was a lot of play in the joint, and it was snapping, crackling, and popping all over the place. He then told me that if there was a significant issue with the tendon I would be jumping off the table in pain when he touched it. (like I did 6 weeks ago when I saw him.) It still hurt a crap-ton when he touched it, but apparently not enough for him. He rolled back on his chair and told me it would just take time.

He said that he wasn't going to do any tests, no MRI, CT, or x rays, because it didn't need it. Once again got told 20% of ankle sprains are still symptomatic in a year. Then he said that it can take 2-3 months before it healed, I mentioned that the injury was 13 weeks ago, and he didn't seem to care, he said 2 months of physical therapy would fix the problem, and I corrected him again, telling him that I had already done 2 months of pt. He then mentioned when I saw him a month ago, I corrected him, it was 6 weeks.

My brain then sent up a large yellow light…he had gotten 4 things wrong; twice the brace I was given, time since the injury, time in pt, and then time since I saw him last. Things that were in my file. Things he should have gone over before opening the door. I knew at that moment, I was being humored, not treated.

He then said I should go back to pt 2-3 times a week, and stressed that I should be doing the exercises every day. He said because I am larger than most it was going to take extra time to heal, and that I needed to be sure to do the exercises every day. I assured him that I had done exactly as Erica had told me every day, and he just nodded and told me that he would tell any member of his family the same thing. It just takes time. It's not something that needs surgery, just time. Then he once AGAIN mentioned how my weight is effecting my recovery, and stressed that I have to do the exercises every single day. I once again assured him I was, but he didn't seem to believe me.

He told me to come back in 6 weeks, opened the door, and resumed the conversation he had been having when he came in, about another patient who needed a CT today and they had to clear her insurance.

Total time with the Physician's Assistant (not even a doctor…I paid the same to see a PA as I would have to see an MD…) less than 5 minutes.

Now I understand that my weight makes it harder for the injury to heal. I KNOW that. I know that I am significantly overweight. But that doesn't mean I am lazy, or don't do as I am told. It doesn't mean that I don't exercise, and I don't have discipline. He had a preconceived notion of me, and I don't think I could have said a single thing to change his mind.

Now I am not sure I got the brush-off because of my weight, the fact that I'm not an athlete, or because ankle sprains are so common, but I know when I have been brushed off. He didn't even try this time, got his facts wrong, and split as fast as humanly possible.

Needless to say that does not make me feel encouraged.

13 weeks after the injury, and I am still not much better off than I was a month ago. Lots of swelling, plenty of pain. I did the physical therapy, I do the RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation), I do every single thing that they ask of me, and I basically get "suck it up and deal, fatty".

I damn near cried when I got to the car. I texted a few people about my results, and drove home, upset. I was equal parts pissed, discouraged, and frustrated.

I talked it over with my mother, and decided to get a second opinion. I had gone to a specialist clinic. It only deals with Orthopedic injuries. I should have known I was in over my head when I walked in and saw all kinds of signed sports memorabilia on the walls, and the first thing as you walk in the door is Brock Lessnar's (sp?) WWE championship belt on the wall. I just had a feeling that me, the 300+lb cashier from Target with an ankle sprain wasn't gonna rate very high around here. That was my first impression, but I dismissed it, they're doctors, they should treat me the same. I should have gone with my first impression.

So I have an appointment at the Meadowbrook building (behind Methodist hospital). I use Park Nicollet clinics, and it's just another Park Nicollet clinic with specialists. Unlike Tria (that I went to before) that just contracts with Park Nicollet. It's with another Physician's Assistant, but the scheduling person told me the name of the doctor that he assists (which is more than I got from the fancy orthopedic only clinic).

I have a feeling I am going to be told the same thing, that it just takes time, but at least I am hoping for a fair shot. I am hoping to find someone who will believe what I am saying, and do something, anything to try and help me.

I apologize for this being so long, but I had a lot I had to say. If you're still reading here's a prize *sets out a plate of cookies*.

Laters,
LS

Killing Sammy is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  I know I want to write this story, and I have most of it planed out, but I just can't get it written.  I start the story with a "teaser" and then backtrack a bit to catch the reader up.  Here's my "teaser":

Gordon leaned down and buried his knife to the hilt in his chest.  Sam expected it to hurt, but it was surprisingly painless. “I’ve said it before Sammy, it’s nothing personal, I just can’t let you continue to live; you, and your demon spawn.” 

As his vision darkened he heard a familiar female voice.  “They’re taken care of hon.”

“Good job Jo.”  Sam saw her move into the room and kiss Gordon passionately.

Sam closed his eyes, ready for the end.  He knew that his family would all be waiting for him, everyone, that is, but the one person he wanted to see more than anything in the world.

He took as deep of a breath as he could, pain had no meaning, but his lungs did not want to cooperate.  He managed to whisper one word as his vision darkened, “Dean.”

So...anybody gots some motivation for me to actually DO this...bring Dean back from the dead to enact revenge for Sammy...and redeem himself (maybe).

<Dean actually has been dead from the deal for 10 years when this happens, and it's the crow that's able to get him out of hell.>

HELP!!
Heather

9,702

That’s all the farther I got.

9,702

Not even as far as last year.

I admit I had some issues this month, but none of them are excuses for failure.

I’m going to keep writing my story, however.  I’m going to finish it, just not in the allotted time.

Congrats to all that finished.  You ROCK!

I suck.

Heather

So this will be the first Thursday night I have missed since Croatoan aired and I started the chatroom (I am pretty sure I have at least made a cameo appearance every week).

I pissed some people off last week, so I hastily said I wouldn’t go in there anymore in order to make peace.  However, I am starting to regret that decision.  Why should I have to stop something I like because some people didn’t like what I had to say?

I also quit several yahoo groups I really enjoyed being a part of.  I KNOW that quitting these things is what’s best for me…I’ve sunk into a depression that’s incredibly deep, and it’s starting to get dangerous.  I know I need to distance myself from the negativity that’s running rampant all over the chatroom and yahoo group, but I’m really sad that I don’t get to be with people when I watch the show.

The whole reason I started the chatroom is so I don’t have to watch the show alone…and now because of a few overly sensitive people I am back to watching the show solo.

I still stand by what I said, and I have no intention of taking it back.  If all you can do is find fault, then you need to just stop watching the show.  If there’s no joy left in the show, why burden yourself with such a horrible thing…just turn the channel it’s easy, and will save you, and those around you lots of aggravation.

It’s going to be a bad night for me.  I’m already triggered, and anxious, but to know that I’m not welcome in the chatroom anymore is the worst for me.  It makes me incredibly sad that I can’t be in there tonight.

I know it’s my own damn fault for loosing my temper…but the blame doesn’t entirely rest on my shoulders.

People are entitled to their opinion…but so am I.

I have hidden all the blades…so hopefully I can keep myself safe tonight.  When I’m upset, and there’s nothing I can do about it, I tend to cut.  I haven’t done it for years, but when I’m twitchy and anxious and there’s nothing else I can do to fix it, resorting to physical injury helps.  (Yes, I am a sick puppy…but  it really DOES help.)

Later all.
Heather

I will be on Yahoo Instant messenger (theladystarhawk) tonight if anybody cares.

...me

I did a very VERY bad thing today.  I got mad at someone I love very much, for something that wasn’t her fault at all.  In fact, she was helping me out.

I feel like such a heel.

I have been crying so much my head feels like it’s going to explode, and I can’t breathe (and my meds don’t seem to be working...of course if I could calm down it might help.)  She won’t answer the phone, or text me back right now, so I KNOW I fucked up.

Par for the course with me.  I am the world’s worst friend.  You all might as well cut your losses right now.  I’m just not worth getting to know.

I am going out of town for the weekend in a little while.  The hotel I will be at has wi-fi so I can keep in touch, and post my NaNo progress if my muse hasn’t decided to desert me as well.

That is all.
Heather

Progress is being made.  I am up to 2,317.  I know that’s a bit behind, but today’s the first REAL day I can write.  If you take 50,000 words and divide it by 30, you get an average of 1,667 words a day.  Being day 5 I should be at 8,335 by the end of the day.  Not sure if THAT is going to happen, but I hope to get the first “story” done today.

I am doing a series of short stories involving my character Alisabeth from my Supernatural fanfics.  These stories will be about her past, and, hopefully, the continuation of Catch a Demon by the Tale.

Good luck to everyone who is doing NaNo, and for those of you on the sidelines, I could use some encouragement.  This is turning out to be harder than I thought it was going to be, but I THINK I am FINALLY on a roll.

Heather

So it’s day one of NaNoWriMo, and my Muse is nowhere to be seen.  She was ready to go Tuesday, and I told her we had to wait till Thursday to start.  Well, it’s Thursday, and I am uninspired.  I got nothing.  I KNOW what I want to write...but I can’t seem to put word to computer about it.

She abandoned me right when I needed her most.

So, anybody know where I can rent a Muse for a month?

Heather

Well, tomorrow begins National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org) so the fun will begin soon.  I am going to try again this year (as some of you know) after my abysmal failure last year (20%).  Hopefully I can get farther, if not finish the 50,000 word goal.

If you would like to read what I am writing, track my progress, send an encouraging message, or just point and laugh I will be posting what I am writing (and maybe some of my frustrations) here on my live journal.

Lady Starhawk

Here's the last piece of "Chapter" 2.
Lemme know what you think,
Lady Starhawk

Here's the next part.
Lemme know what you think,
Lady Starhawk